Excerpts
from Chuckle Chowder
by Sue Annabrooke Jones
Jury foreperson to court: "On the count of grand theft auto, we
the jury find the defendant not guilty."
Excited defendant to lawyer: "Does this mean I get
to keep the car?!"
Definition of an intellectual: someone who can
listen to The William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Three contestants -- a Swiss banker, a British
historian and an American hillbilly -- were on a TV quiz show. "For one
hundred thousand dollars," began the host, "fill in the missing word in
this song line and correctly spell it. Are you ready?" The contestants
nodded eagerly.
The host turned to the Swiss banker: "Old
MacDonald had a --?"
"Chalet," replied the banker. "C-H-A-L-E-T."
"No, I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer," said the
host, who now turned to the British historian. "For one hundred thousand
dollars, Old MacDonald had a --?"
"Stately home," answered the Brit. "S-T-A-T-E-L-Y H-O-M-E."
"No, I'm sorry, wrong answer," said the host. He
turned to the American hillbilly, who by now was beside himself with
excitement. "For one hundred thousand dollars, Old MacDonald had a --?"
"Farm!" shouted the hillbilly. "E-I-E-I-O!"
Egg-laying exam answer: Martin Luther was nailed to the church
door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
There was a Chinese man named Yitzhak Mendelbaum. A woman at a cocktail
party asked him, "You don't look Jewish, how did you get that name?"
"Well, I was coming through the immigration
line," explained the Asian gentleman, "and the inspector said to the
person in front of me, 'What's your name?' And he answered 'Yitzhak
Mendelbaum.' When it was my turn, he asked me for my name. And I
told him, 'Sam Ting.'"
Question: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Answer: Paddy O'Furniture.
Egg-laying exam answer: Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with his 100-foot clipper.
Three men -- an Italian, a Frenchman and a
Jew -- were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian
said, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we made
passionate love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman said, "I smoothed sweet butter all
over my wife's body, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for
half an hour."
The Jew said, "I covered my wife's body with
schmaltz, then we made love. She screamed for six hours."
"Six hours!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "How did
you make her scream for six hours?!"
The Jew replied, "I wiped my hands on the
drapes."
Definition of Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist.
A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew showed up and started building a house on it. The six-year-old daughter took an
interest in the building activity and started talking with the workers, and eventually the crew
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They let her sit with them for coffee and lunch breaks and
gave her little tasks to do to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, the workers surprised the little girl with
a pay envelope containing a check for one dollar. She brought it home to her mother, who suggested
they take it to the bank to start a savings account.
When they got there, the teller was impressed and asked the child how she
had earned her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew
building a house all week."
"My goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be working on the house
again this week?"
The girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-of-bitches at the
lumberyard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit."
Question: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Answer: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
Egg-laying Bible class exam answer: Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
An elderly man lay dying upstairs in bed, in his home. He smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. Desperately wanting one last cookie
before he died, he rolled out of bed, crawled laboriously to the landing, rolled down the
stairs and inched his way across the living room floor into the kitchen, where he saw his wife
busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and lifted his
withered arm up to the cookie sheet. As his gnarled, emaciated fingers grasped a warm, moist
cookie, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Appearing deeply hurt and gasping for breath, the old man looked up at her
with a pitiful expression and asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral," she replied.
Question: What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?
Answer: A trip to Israel.
An Irishman walked into an Ulster bar, ordered three pints of beer, sat
down at a table and sipped from each glass in turn. When he finished all three, he returned to
the bar and ordered three more.
"You know," said the bartender, "a pint starts to go flat after I draw
it. They'd taste better if you bought them one at a time."
The Irishman explained, "No, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other's in Australia and I'm here in Ulster. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drink one for each o' me
brothers and one for meself." Thinking this a nice custom, the bartender smiled to himself.
The Irishman became a regular at the pub, always drinking this same
way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints.
All the other regulars in the place took notice and fell silent. When the Irishman returned to
the bar for his second round, the bartender said, "I would like to offer my condolences on your
great loss."
"Oh, everyone's fine," said the Irishman. "It's just that I joined the
Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Question: What goes clop, clop, clop, BANG! BANG! clop, clop,
clop?
Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.
Definition of innuendo: an Italian suppository.
A secretary was just leaving the office one Friday evening when she
spotted the human resources manager standing in front of a shredder with an official-looking
document in his hand.
"Listen," he said hurriedly, "this is important, and my secretary
has already left. Do you know how to make this thing work?"
"Of course," replied the secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted
the document and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" he said, as his papers disappeared into the
machine. "I just need one copy."
Famous last words: "I wonder how the supermarket can make a profit from
selling this salmon at only forty cents a can?"
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