Health Jokes
A woman who had been taking testosterone to boost her energy went to her doctor for a follow-up. "I have lots more energy now," she told him, "but I'm a little worried about some of the side effects I'm experiencing."
"What do you mean?" asked the physician.
"Well, I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before," she answered.
"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone," the doctor assured her. "Just where has this new hair appeared?"
The woman replied, "On my testicles, which is something else I want to
talk to you about."
Words you don't want to hear during surgery: "Uh-oh! I just lost my
watch!"
A doctor, a preacher and an HMO executive all died and found themselves standing outside the gates of heaven. St. Peter appeared and asked whether they had done anything worthwhile with their lives.
"During my life I healed thousands of sick people," stated the doctor.
"Okay," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
The preacher said, "My entire life was spent ministering to the sick and the needy."
"Okay, go on in," said the saint.
"As president of a large health maintenance organization," said the HMO executive, "I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country."
"Okay, I'll admit you," said St. Peter. "But you
can only stay for two nights."
Mangled medical entry: When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Famous last words: "It's probably just a rash."
Mangled medical entry: Examination reveals a well developed
male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
A psychiatrist's secretary stepped into her boss's office
and said, "Doctor, there's a man outside who wants to see you."
"What's his problem?" asked the shrink.
"He claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist retorted: "Tell him I can't see him."
Question: What does the dentist of the year get?
Answer: A little plaque.
A man who had just gotten his first hearing aid raved about it to his friend. "My son talked me into getting it," he said excitedly, "and I'm so glad he did! I don't have any trouble hearing things at home, and outside I can hear all kinds of sounds I couldn't hear before! I just can't believe what I've been missing, this thing has opened up a whole new world for me!"
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
The man glanced at his wristwatch and replied, "Three-thirty."
Mangled medical entry: Patient reports being numb from her toes down.
A man walked into a doctor's office with a carrot lodged in one ear, a cucumber sticking out of the other and two asparagus spears protruding from his nostrils. "Doc, I don't feel so good," he moaned.
"I'm not surprised," replied the doctor. "You haven't been
eating right."
Words you don't want to hear during surgery: "Hand me that... uh... thingy,
will you?"
A man lay in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face. A
young nurse appeared and began sponging his face.
"Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The man struggled again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replied, "I told you, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
Just then the head nurse happened by and saw the man getting a little distraught, so she marched in and inquired what was wrong. "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Without any hesitation, the head nurse whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them that I can see!"
Frustrated at this, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are
my test results back?!"
Mangled medical entry: Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Doctor: "I have good news and some bad news."
Patient: "Give me the good news first."
Doctor: "I'm afraid you only have twenty-four hours to live."
Patient: "Oh, my God! What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "I forgot to tell you yesterday."
A man rushed into a doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have
to be a little patient."
Famous last words: "Gee, it looks clean enough to swim in."
Definition of chiropractor: a slipped disk jockey.
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