Health Jokes - Page 2
An elderly snake went to the doctor for a checkup. "I need something for my eyes," he told the physician. "I just can't see very well these days." The doctor fixed him up with a pair of glasses and sent him on his way.
Two weeks later, the reptile returned and told the doctor he was depressed. "What's the problem?" the doctor asked. "Didn't the glasses help?"
"The glasses are fine," answered the snake, "but I just found out that
I've been living with a garden hose for the past three years!"
Sign in a health food store window: Closed due to illness.
Words you don't want to hear during surgery: "Nurse, did this patient
sign an organ donation card?"
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and said, "Doctor, I think I'm a cat."
"I see," said the shrink. "And how long has this been going on?"
The patient replied, "Since I was a kitten."
Mangled medical entry: Both breasts are equal and reactive to
light and accommodation.
A new patient settled in comfortably on the psychiatrist's couch. "All
right then," said the shrink. "I'm not familiar with your problem, so perhaps you should start at the
very beginning."
"Well," said the patient, "in the beginning, I created the heavens
and the earth."
Words you don't want to hear during surgery: "Sterile schmerile, it looks
clean to me."
A psychiatrist was making his customary morning rounds. When he entered one patient's room, he found him sitting on the floor, pretending to be sawing a piece of wood in half. Then he looked up and spotted a second patient hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
"What are you doing?" the doctor asked the first patient.
"Obviously," answered the first patient, "I'm sawing this piece of wood in half."
The doctor looked up and asked the second patient, "And what are you doing?"
"That's my friend," answered the first patient. "He's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor then noticed the second patient's face turning red. "If he's your friend," said the shrink, "you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."
"What!?" exclaimed the first patient. "And work in the dark?"
An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor for a checkup. After reviewing the elderly man's test results, the physician told him, "You seem to be in top condition physically. How are you doing mentally and spiritually? How is your connection with God?"
"Oh, me and God, we have a real bond," replied the patient. "And he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then when I leave, he turns it back off."
Intrigued by this response, the physician later phoned the patient's wife. "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God," the doctor began. "He claims that every night when he needs to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for him, then turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
"Oh, that idiot!" groaned the man's wife. "He's been peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
Written across the restroom wall of a weight loss clinic: I get enough
exercise just pushing my luck.
A psychiatrist went to a mental hospital to visit several of his patients. Afterwards, while relaxing in the garden with a cup of tea, he spotted an artist working on a fabulous mosaic of colored bricks. "Sir,
your artwork is extraordinary!" he told the man. "I would like to visit your studio sometime."
"Thank you," the man replied, "but I don't have a studio, I'm a patient here."
"What!?" exclaimed the shrink. "It's preposterous that an artist of your caliber should have to labor in such a place! I'm going to speak to the director and have you released immediately! I have many wealthy friends who will commission you to design their gardens!"
"You would do that for me?" asked the artist.
"You better believe it," said the shrink as he handed him his card. "I'll be in touch." With that, the psychiatrist turned and walked toward his car. Suddenly, he felt something hard strike him on the back of the head, knocking him senseless to the ground.
When he finally came to, he saw that he'd been hit by a colored brick. Then
he looked up and saw the artist standing there waving and shouting, "Don't forget!"
A man walked into a doctor's office with a frog growing out of his head. "Tell
me exactly how this started," said the physician.
"Well, Doc," the frog replied, "it started out as a bump on my
ass."
A nurse in a busy hospital began having sneezing fits. A second nurse approached and asked if she was all right. "I just can't stop sneezing," said the first nurse. "But it's really not so bad, because every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"How bizarre!" remarked her coworker. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," she replied. "Pepper."
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