Tickle My Soul

     Jean-Paul Sartre sat in a Paris cafe one afternoon, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness, when the waitress approached.
     "A cup of coffee, please," he said to her. "No cream."
     "I'm sorry, monsieur," said the waitress, "but we're out of cream today. Would you like your coffee with no milk instead?"

     Descartes sat drinking in a tavern late one night. The bartender approached. "Last call, Rene. Do you want another one?"
     "I think not," said the philosopher, whereupon he immediately disappeared.

     A young, inexperienced minister was welcoming his flock into his country church one Sunday morning. A nine-year-old boy who usually attended with his father stepped inside alone.
     "Is your father ill this morning?" the pastor inquired.
     "No, he went fishing." replied the boy. "He was going to take me along, but he decided I needed to go to church." The pastor made a mental note of this and decided to use the boy as an example for impressing upon his congregation the need for family attendance.
     After taking the pulpit and welcoming everyone, the pastor called the boy to come up and stand alongside him. The boy hesitated, but the pastor coaxed him to come forward. "Now, tell us why you're here alone this morning," he said, turning the nervous boy to face the congregation.
     "My father went fishing," the boy replied.
     "And why was it more important for you to go to church than to go fishing?" asked the pastor with a confident smile.
     The boy replied, "My dad said there wasn't enough bait for both of us."

     Question: How does a Hindu wish a friend happy birthday?
     Answer: "Many happy returns."

     One day, while Moses was sitting alone, lamenting over his sad state of affairs, he heard a roar of thunder followed by a booming voice from above: "You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news." Stunned, Moses looked all around, but saw no one.
     The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs. You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel to the Promised Land. If the pharoah blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of locusts. You, Moses, will lead the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
     Moses was astonished. "That's ... that's fantastic!" he stammered. "I can't believe it! What's the bad news?"
     "You, Moses," said the voice, "must write the environmental impact statement!"

     Question: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with a neurotic insomniac?
     Answer: Someone who lies awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.

     A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian stood at the gates of Hell. Satan came out and looked them over. "Why are you here?" he asked the Jew.
     "I ate pork," the Jew admitted.
     "Okay, come on in," said the Devil. Then he turned to the Catholic. "What about you?"
     "I ate meat on Friday, long before His Holiness said it was okay," the Catholic answered.
     "All right, come in," Satan said. Then he looked at the Episcopalian. "Why on earth are you down here?"
     The Episcopalian hung his head in shame, then answered: "I ate with the wrong fork."

     Two Hindus who hadn't seen each other in awhile bumped into each other on the street. "Vishnu?" asked the first one.
     "Nothing," replied the second one. "Vishnu with you?"

     A priest and a rabbi ran a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules jibed, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After they bought it, they drove it back and parked it on the street between them.
     A little while later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. Since it didn't need a wash, he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
     "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
     The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

     Bumper sticker: I considered atheism, but there aren't enough holidays.

     Two Irish ditchdiggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They glanced up to see a Protestant minister look around to make sure no one was watching, then duck into the house. "Would you look at that!" exclaimed Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant ministers sinning in the likes of that place!"
     A short time later, they saw a rabbi approach, look around cautiously, then dart into the house. "Did you see that?" asked Pat. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?! A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh!"
     Soon a third man, a Catholic priest, approached the house. After looking around to make sure no one was watching, he slipped inside. "Oh no, look!" exclaimed Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls must have died!"

     Scribbled across a restroom wall: God is dead. -- Nietzsche.
     Underneath that: Nietzsche is dead. -- God.

     An account representative from Tyson Foods arranged to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispered, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you'll change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' we will donate five billion dollars to the church."
     "That is impossible," replied the Pope. "That prayer is the word of the Lord, and it cannot be changed."
     "In that case," said the Tyson rep, "we are prepared to donate eight billion to the church if you'll change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
     "Impossible," replied the Pope. "That prayer is inviolable, it can never be changed."
     "Okay then," persisted the Tyson rep, "we'll donate ten billion to the church if you'll change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' That's our final offer." With that, the account rep left.
     The next day, the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "Gentlemen," be began, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the church has just come into ten billion dollars. The bad news is, we're about to lose the Wonder Bread account."

     Question: Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?      Answer: Because they don't want strangers coming to their door talking to them about things they have no interest in.