Tickle My Soul - Page 2

     Three friends -- a Greek, an Irishman and a Jew -- were out walking late one night, when a drunk driver suddenly ran his car onto the sidewalk. The three were instantly killed and Poof! -- they found themselves standing in Heaven facing St. Peter. "Good day, gentlemen," he said.
     "How did we get here?" the Greek asked.
     "Your lives weren't meant to end so soon," said St. Peter. "A car accident caused your untimely deaths."
     "Can't you send us back?" pleaded the Jew.
     St. Peter considered this for a moment, then replied: "Okay, but on one condition. You must each learn to control your primary impulse. If I see any of you indulging in your primary impulse, I'll bring you right back here in an instant. Understood?" The three nodded eagerly and Poof! –- they found themselves right back on the same sidewalk.
     "Wow!" said the Irishman. "That guy is really powerful!" The trio resumed walking and soon found themselves approaching a pub. A man could surely use a little something to wet his throat after an experience like that!  thought the Irishman. He said to his companions, "Excuse me, I'm going to just pop inside for a moment." No sooner did he reach for the door handle when Poof! -- the Irishman disappeared.
     The Greek and the Jew looked at each other in astonishment. "Wow!" exclaimed the Jew. "That guy really means business!" The two remaining friends continued walking.
     Before long, they spotted a five-dollar bill on the sidewalk. No sooner did the Jew bend down to pick it up when Poof! -- the Greek disappeared.


     Question: Which football team do Lao Tse's followers root for?
     Answer: The Taoist Cowboys.


     An old preacher who lay dying sent a message for his accountant and his lawyer, both long-time members of his church, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
     As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. The accountant and the lawyer sat in silence for a long while. They were flattered that the old preacher had asked them to be with him during his final moment, but they were also puzzled, because the preacher had never given any indication that he liked either one of them.
     Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
     The dying preacher mustered his last ounce of strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."


     Question: How does a cheerleader say grace?
     Answer: Rub-a-dub-dub! Thanks for the grub! Ya-a-a-a-y, God!"


     An elderly Jewish widower was told by his doctor that he had only two months to live. Since the old man had always secretly wanted to try pork, he figured now was the time to do it. So he drove across town and entered a restaurant where he was sure he wouldn't be spotted by anyone he knew. He ordered the roast pig, carved off a hefty slice of pork and put it on his plate.
     Just as he brought the first bite to his lips, who should happen by but the rabbi and his wife. They stopped beside his table, horrified. The old man pointed to the apple in the pig's mouth, shrugged and said, "I ordered the baked apple. Who knew?!"


     Question: How do you drive a family of Unitarians out of your neighborhood?
     Answer: Burn a question mark on their lawn.


     As the mighty Norse god Thor rode across the skies on his fiery steed, he raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'm Thor! I'm Thor!"
     His horse turned around and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."


     Question: What happens to a fast witch who travels on a slow broom?
     Answer: She flies off the handle.


     A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found herself getting nowhere. "The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian, "you have to be born again!"
     "But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu. "And again and again and again ..."


     Bumper sticker seen en route to a Wicca convention: Ankh if you love Isis.


     Question: What do you get when you cross a termite with a televangelist?
     Answer: A bug that says grace before it eats your house.


     A Jewish-born militant atheist sent his son to a Catholic school to get a good education. At the end of the first day, the father asked, "How did your first day of school go?"
     "Fine," answered the boy. "We learned all about the Trinity."
     "The Trinity!" exclaimed the father.
     "Yeah, it means the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost."
     Barely able to contain his rage, the father grabbed his son by the shoulders. "You listen to me!" he shouted. "I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to never forget it. There's only ONE God. And we don't believe in Him!"


     Question: What do you call thirteen Wiccans in a hot tub?
     Answer: A self-cleaning coven.


     A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong --  "
     "Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me."
     "You silly fool," said the Buddhist, "there IS no God, there is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this.
     The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open. "My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet.
     Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him to earth.
     The terrified Hindu figured any port in a storm, so he too cried out, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and gently lowered him earthward. "Whew! That was a close one!" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Thank God!" Whereupon the giant hand turned over.


     Question: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
     Answer: It might lead to dancing.


     After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "John," he said, "you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You just name it, and it's yours."
     The priest thought for a moment, then said, "I'd like to have a private audience with the Holy Mother." St. Peter assured him it would be arranged.
     On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted Father O'Malley to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to you for guidance and comfort, and you granted me peace and serenity during my life on earth. But one thing has always puzzled me. In all of the paintings and sculptures that were done of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"
     Mary replied: "I always wanted a girl."


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