Tickle My Soul - Page 3

     Three boys--a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew--were discussing what their families do on Christmas. "My family," said the Catholic, "sings ‘Ave Maria' together the night before Christmas. Then we open our presents."
     "My family gets up early on Christmas morning, and we sing ‘The Old Rugged Cross' together," said the Protestant. "Then we open our presents."
     The two Christians turned to the Jew, who hesitated for a moment, then cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "first we lock up the toy shop, then we go upstairs and sing ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.'"


     Definition of a Unitarian: A Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.


     A man joined an abbey and was told he must take a vow of silence and that he would be allowed to speak only two words every five years. After the first five years passed, he walked into the abbot's chambers and said, "Bed hard." With that, he turned and walked out.
     Five years later, he returned to the abbot's chambers and said, "Food cold," then turned and walked out.
     After another five years passed, he once again entered the chambers of the abbot. This time he said, "I quit."
     "I'm not surprised," said the abbot. "All you've done since you got here is complain."


     Question: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
     Answer: Popeye almost killed him.


     A Catholic school nun asked each of the girls in her fourth grade class what they wanted to be when they grow up.
     "I want to be an engineer," stated one little girl.
     "I'm going to become a scientist," another asserted.
     One girl in the back row shouted, "A prostitute!"
     A heavy silence fell over the classroom, and the nun's eyes grew wide with rage. "What did you say?!" she demanded.
     "A prostitute!" repeated the girl in the back row.
     The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Thank God!" she cried. "I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"


     Question: What is life's biggest problem for an atheist?
     Answer: No one to talk to during orgasm.


     A Protestant minister was invited to dinner by one of his parishioners, who was known for being a poor housekeeper. As he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes before him were the dirtiest he had ever seen. He ran his fingers over the grit and grime, then asked the host, "Have these dishes ever been washed?"
     "They're as clean as soap and water could get them," answered the host. The minister was apprehensive, but he blessed the food anyway and began eating. Despite the dirty dishes, he found the meal to be delicious.
     When dinner was over, the host took the dishes outside and hollered, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"


     Question: What happened to the Christian Scientist who fainted on the sidewalk?
     Answer: The paramedics took him to a reading room.


     A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?"
     The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."


     Question: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Druid mathematician?
     Answer: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that isn't there.


     Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven, and St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. "Sisters," he told them, "you all led exemplary lives in every way. I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
     The first nun said, "Make me Sophia Loren, please," and POOF! she was gone.
     "I want to be Madonna," said the second nun, and POOF! she was gone.
     The third nun said, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
     St. Peter looked at her, perplexed. "Who?"
     "Sara Pipalini," repeated the nun.
     St. Peter shook his head. "I'm sorry, but the name doesn't ring a bell."
     The nun took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter, who read it, then laughed. "No sister," he said as he handed it back to her, "the paper says it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by fourteen hundred men in six months."


     Question: Why are there are no Unitarians in Heaven?
     Answer: Because they get a choice between going to Heaven or going to a discussion group where the existence of Heaven is debated.


     A little boy got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. Noticing the priest's collar, the boy blurted out, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
     "I am a Father," the priest replied.
     The little boy said, "My dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
     "I am the Father of many," answered the priest.
     The boy persisted: "My dad has five boys, six girls and four grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar backwards."
     Becoming annoyed, the priest said flatly, "I am the Father of hundreds."
     The boy retorted: "Then maybe it's your pants you should be wearing backwards!"


     Question: What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
     Answer: About five hundred dollars a weekend.


     An elderly gentleman who sat on the steps of the Vatican was told by a guard to leave. "I must see the Pope!" the old man insisted, but the guard sent him away. This went on every day for weeks, until one day the Pope happened by.
     "What is going on here?" asked the Pope.
     The guard replied, "No one is allowed to loiter on the steps."
     The Pope looked at the old man and asked him what he wanted. "An audience with His Holiness," he replied. The Pope told him to come back the next day at eleven o'clock and he would grant him an audience.
     The following day at eleven, the old man appeared. "Now, what can I do for you?" asked the Pope.
     The old man replied: "I've been coming here for sixty years now, and before me, my father tried to have an audience, and before him, his father--"
     "Yes, yes," the Pope interrupted impatiently, "but what can I do for you?"
     "Well," the man began, "are you God's representative here on earth?"
     "That I am, sir, but what can I do for you?"
     The man reached into his coat, removed an old parchment and said, "About this bill for the last supper ..."


     Please hold. All of the Muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is very important to us.


     A priest and a rabbi were having lunch together, and the priest mentioned that he had been doing an unusually large number of confessions lately. "I never did understand that confession thing," commented the rabbi.
     "Why don't you drop by this afternoon and see how it works?" suggested the priest. The rabbi found this invitation too juicy to pass up, so later that day he went to the church.
     "In here," said the priest, beckoning him into the confessional. "It won't be long."
     The rabbi sat down beside him and, and sure enough, the door soon opened and a man entered. After asking for the priest's blessing and admitting that six months had passed since his last confession, he confessed to malicious gossip, adultery and rape. The priest told him to say the rosary and put ten dollars in the coffers.
     After the man left, a woman entered and confessed to thievery, bribery and using God's name in vain. The priest told her to say the rosary and put ten dollars in the coffers.
     "This looks easy," said the rabbi. "Mind if I give it a try?"
     "Be my guest," replied the priest. No sooner did they switch places than the door opened and a very distraught man entered. After the customary preliminaries, he stuttered and stammered until he finally confessed to murder and armed robbery. Then he hung his head in his hands and sobbed.
     "Murder and armed robbery, you say?" asked the rabbi.
     "Yes, Father," he blubbered, "and I'm so sorry!"
     "You should go out and commit some other offense," said the rabbi. "The Father's running a special this week--three for ten dollars."


     Question: Why did the mystic refuse novacaine when she had her teeth worked on?
     Answer: She wanted to transcend dental medication.


     Hail to the Sun god!
     He's a real fun god!
     Ra, Ra, Ra!


     A disheveled man who reeked of liquor and whose face was covered with lipstick flopped onto a subway seat next to a priest. He hiccupped, then opened a newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, he turned to the priest and slurred, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
     The priest drew back from the smell of alcohol on the man's breath, then said, "It's caused by cavorting with loose women, imbibing too much alcohol and possessing a contempt for your fellow man!"
     "I'll be damned," muttered the inebriate, who then returned to his paper.
     A few minutes later, the priest nudged him. "I'm sorry," he said gently, "I didn't mean to sound so preachy. How long have you had the arthritis?"
     "Oh, I don't have it, Father," replied the drunk. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."


     Question: What do you call a Wiccan who lives on the beach?
     Answer: A sandwich.


    Sikh and ye shall find.

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